Just the tips

Here are my top ten tips for aspiring writers:

Set realistic writing goals like ‘I won’t cry today’.
Your screenplay needs to have at least three characters who say ‘Let’s get out of here!’ at least twice each.
It’s not a real romantic comedy if it doesn’t have a guy running through an airport at the end.
It’s pretentious to subtitle your book ‘A Novel’ unless it’s called ‘How Do You Pronounce “A Novel”?’, in which case it’s hilarious.
Kill every adjective you can find. Adverbs too. Use nouns sparingly. Absolutely no verbs.
It doesn’t matter where or when you write, provided it’s before noon and in front of a north-facing window.
Always draw your own book covers – and don’t scrimp on the crayons. Get the very best you can afford.
Suffering from writer’s block? Just quit forever. Who needs the grief?
Some writers like to plan their story meticulously, others like to wing it. Both approaches are wrong.
You have to grab the reader’s attention, so always start with an explosion. If the first word in your novel or screenplay isn’t ‘KA-BOOM!’, you’re screwed.