Just the tips

Here are my top ten tips for aspiring writers:

  • Set realistic writing goals like ‘I won’t cry today’.
  • Your screenplay needs to have at least three characters who say ‘Let’s get out of here!’ at least twice each.
  • It’s not a real romantic comedy if it doesn’t have a guy running through an airport at the end.
  • It’s pretentious to subtitle your book ‘A Novel’ unless it’s called ‘How Do You Pronounce “A Novel”?’, in which case it’s hilarious.
  • Kill every adjective you can find. Adverbs too. Use nouns sparingly. Absolutely no verbs.
  • It doesn’t matter where or when you write, provided it’s before noon and in front of a north-facing window.
  • Always draw your own book covers – and don’t scrimp on the crayons. Get the very best you can afford.
  • Suffering from writer’s block? Just quit forever. Who needs the grief?
  • Some writers like to plan their story meticulously, others like to wing it. Both approaches are wrong.
  • You have to grab the reader’s attention, so always start with an explosion. If the first word in your novel or screenplay isn’t ‘KA-BOOM!’, you’re screwed.

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