Here are my top ten tips for aspiring writers:
- Set realistic writing goals like ‘I won’t cry today’.
- Your screenplay needs to have at least three characters who say ‘Let’s get out of here!’ at least twice each.
- It’s not a real romantic comedy if it doesn’t have a guy running through an airport at the end.
- It’s pretentious to subtitle your book ‘A Novel’ unless it’s called ‘How Do You Pronounce “A Novel”?’, in which case it’s hilarious.
- Kill every adjective you can find. Adverbs too. Use nouns sparingly. Absolutely no verbs.
- It doesn’t matter where or when you write, provided it’s before noon and in front of a north-facing window.
- Always draw your own book covers – and don’t scrimp on the crayons. Get the very best you can afford.
- Suffering from writer’s block? Just quit forever. Who needs the grief?
- Some writers like to plan their story meticulously, others like to wing it. Both approaches are wrong.
- You have to grab the reader’s attention, so always start with an explosion. If the first word in your novel or screenplay isn’t ‘KA-BOOM!’, you’re screwed.