I saw this on boards.ie last night. It’s the Irishest forum discussion topic of all time. I giggled for a solid ten minutes.

We’ve all been there.

Listen to this: I just read that William Shakespeare invented over 1700 words. 1700! And I’m not talking about ‘nonny’. Among the examples on the list I saw were everyday favourites like ‘champion’, ‘amazement’, ‘lonely’, ‘submerge’, ‘courtship’, ‘excitement’, ‘gossip’, ‘puking’, ‘hint’, ‘eyeball’, ‘accused’, ‘tranquil’ and ‘elbow’. How did that work then? ‘Thou knowst that bit of thy arm where the bend is? Methinks I shall call it an “elbow”. Laugh not – this time next year, thou shalt all be at it.’ The truth is that we have always had more things than words for things. Douglas Adams and John Lloyd spotted this some years ago and bridged a few of the gaps with their book The Meaning of Liff. According to them, a ‘quenby’ is a spot of dirt on a window which you scrub for ten minutes before realising that it’s on the other side of the glass. To ‘smarden’ is to smile through your teeth at a story you’ve heard already. A ‘winkley’ is a lost object that turns up as soon as you buy a replacement. An ‘aith’ is the solitary bristle that pokes out the side of a cheap paintbrush. This is all good stuff, and I have been prompted to come up with a coinage of my own. It took several hours but I got there in the end. Ahem: ‘Glossaninny (n.) One who gets all excited about the idea of inventing words only to find out that he’s no good at it himself.’

Most of the following were written ages ago as part of a Twitter hashtag game (if you don’t know what that is, just forget I said it). If you want to see this sort of thing done with much greater skill on a daily basis, follow @DrSamuelJohnson.

• Prithee, rest here awhile, and allow me to consult with Mr Google in your stead.
• Wherefore the clamour regarding Mr Jobs’ latest novelty? ‘Tis but its elder sister clad in more voluminous skirts.
• The later dramas of Mr Lucas are works of folly and can only serve to blacken the reputation of their forebears.
• I grow tired of Mr Psy’s musical travesty. Whatever small amusements it once offered have long since vanished into the ether.
• Does some semblance of automaton dwell within thee? Prove thyself fully human by the unravelling of these cyphers.
• Sir, your pamphlet has confounded me by virtue of its sheer dimensions; hence, I have not considered it in full.
• Many men shall pass judgment on the afore-going treatise, but mine own is the inaugural appraisal.
• Your enjoyment of the entertainment in question leaves me in no doubt, sir, that you are wont to lie with men. I bid you good day.

I have of late been amusing myself in the production of taglines for movies that never were, and hopefully never will be. Examples:

• For the first clown on the moon, life is no joke.
• Part shark. Part spider. All cop.
• He said he would love her forever. He was drunk.
• They picked the wrong day to give Detective McAlpine a slightly disappointing haircut.
• Julie went back in time to kill Hitler. She didn’t know she would fall in love …
• Two priests. Two vampires. One crazy game of bridge.
• Hmmm – revenge is a DISH!
• Justice has a new pair of glasses.
• Whatever you do, don’t pull his finger.
• They messed with the right guy. No, wait – wrong. The wrong guy.
• Grandpa got her nose. Now she’s taking his soul.